Grandma Belliston

considering the fact that this was and is my grandma's favorite time of the year, i would like to do a little tribute to her.

grandma's house on christmas was like no other. fully decorated inside and out: lights up outside, with the blow up characters on the lawn, and candy canes all around; always a WHITE tree inside with the village set up perfectly, matching stockings hung up for everyone in the family -grandkids and great-grandkids included-, a small tree with lights made out of TAB soda cans, a bell countdown, christmas books piled on the piano, christmas decorations on both tables and lined up on the desk, the christmas clock, and of course, the doorbell the so loudly played a christmas song every time it was rung.

but the best part about christmas at grandma's was having everyone together in her warm home. the kids would be running around playing until we ended up in the basement for the usual game of hide-n-go-seek. the adults would be laughing and chatting while trying to ignore the delicious aroma of grandma's amazing cooking, or giving in and snagging a few bites here and there before dinner. looking outside in, i guarantee any stranger would have loved to come in and join us for the festivities.

christmas was more than just christmas eve and day. grandma always had each family over individually to make their favorite christmas candy. my family always made the chocolate rice krispy rolls which are to die for. it was great to spend time in the kitchen with grandma and see how she made everything taste so incredible, even though there isn't a single person on earth who can mimick her creations.

grandma NEVER stopped giving and serving others. which is why i believe christmas is her favorite time of the year. the time families come together in celebration of the birth of christ. she was the perfect example and friend to all who surrounded her, and truly believed in the gospel of the savior jesus christ.

this will be the fourth christmas without grandma, but i still feel her presence more strongly at christmas time than any other time of year. i love you grandma!!

the days go by...

time is going by faster than it feels. only FIVE weeks left till my little guy is here, but i look at that five weeks and see an eternity!!! i wish this part went by fast and watching him grow up would go by slow. but we all know that's too much to wish for.

here is my countdown to help me take my mind off of my baby countdown, and hopefully make it go by faster.

9 days till christmas

15 days till new years

and 25 days until my birthday!!!!!!!!!!!

wooo!!!! i'm so excited i am going to be TWENTY!!! not. i like being nineteen. its a great age to be. i love the feeling of being at the beginning of adulthood and wondering what life will have in store for you.

so.... everyone asks me what i want for christmas and all i can think of is BABY STUFF! i'm pretty much addicted to shopping for little kids now. no big deal. right?

so i was finally able to compile the smallest christmas wish list i have EVER written. here it is:

-a gym pass

-just dance 1 &2

-zumba for wii

-CSI video game for wii

-a belly-band-it

and

-clothes that will inspire me to get in shape.

yeah... pretty lame right? but hey... the presents aren't what christmas is all about anyway. :)

i am most excited to get to be with my family for christmas. brad and diondra will be coming up!! sooo stoked about that one. shadoe is planning on coming up for new years so we can exchange gifts. i got him a cardinals helmet and cardinals youth football (i purposely got youth size for one certain reason (: ) my gift for him cost me a total of $10. thank goodness my dad works for riddell!!. he already knows about it and i know what he got for me. haha he got me a belly-band-it! YAY!!! :) i don't mind not being surprised at all... cause knowing he got me one is going to save me a bunch of money. and of course getting to see my mom's side of the family for christmas is THE BEST!!!!!! its the time i feel closest to them and feel my grandma's love stronger than ever because christmas is her favorite holiday. i'm a little too great at making myself cry... haha. and last but not least, MY COUSIN JT WILL BE HOME FROM HIS MISSION!!! i'm so excited to see him and how much he has changed. :)

i need to give a shout out to my aunt lyn and uncle jim. i honestly love them sooooo much. they are the two most supportive people in the world. i can't wait to go spend basically an entire week with them while she helps me make my baby quilt. if you haven't met them, i really need to introduce you to these two amazing people. you will fall in love with them instantly and be jealous you aren't related to them.

i realized i need to take more pictures and most them on here instead of just chatting away. so i will be sure to start working on that... or maybe not.. because come the end of january.. its going to be PICTURE OVERLOAD on here!!! :D

SO

i got the whole schedule thing worked out... and it's definitely not as bad as i thought it would be. which is great news. i NEED to keep thinking positive... like how i will get to be with him EVERY DAY this summer, and how i am going to school so i can give him everything i want to be able to. just a little bit hard when i'm slightly pessimistic. ha.

i started walking a half a mile or a full mile every day about two weeks ago. it's sooooo exhausting, but i seem to have more energy, and it's nice to know the exercise helps to get him here easier.

i also thought i had been having false contractions, but when i went to the doctor on monday and explained what was happening to him, he told me they weren't false at all. so that means i have to keep track of the super painful ones instead of ignoring them. they happen every other day now, instead of once every three or four days. hopefully they stay that way for three more weeks, and then i will be a week away from being considered FULL TERM. it seems soooo close when i type it, but looking at my calendar, i see day after day going by super slow. hopefully i will find ways to speed up the days once school ends.

my cousin lincoln is getting blessed today! I love that little baby boy. he's so adorable. i'm really excited to see my family again. :) i have been able to see them a lot more than usual these last few weeks and i LOOOOVE it! :) soo excited. :)

sudden discouragement.

i was so pumped and ready for him to come while i continued going to school. i had my schedule all arranged perfectly so i would have school and work just two days a week. but i then i get on to register for the classes and everything fell apart right in front of my face. classes i needed were filled, i scored a 24 on my ACT in math and english, but they won't let me take the most basic classes, and i can't just register for any classes at any time, because i have a baby!! it's really sooo frustrating. i honestly broke down and cried. i know all i need to do is take placement tests because apparently my ACT scores have expired, but i'm so busy with studying for finals that it all seems so impossible. i definitely need a pick me up. i have a lot of people who have offered to help me by watching my baby boy chance when i needed them to, but i was really looking forward to being able to be with him more than just at night and on weekends. i guess i need to sit down and look at the bigger picture of what going to school is really about and accept that i am going to have to sacrifice that time with my son. AAAAHHHH!

on a positive note... 7 weeks left till he is here. :) hopefully a little sooner than that.

i'm dreaming of a white...

THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!
gobble gobble!

so, apparently there is going to be a MASSIVE snow storm this afternoon... i can't wait!!! :D

except, i am at work... which worries my boss. he told me I AM NOT ALLOWED TO STAY PAST SIX tonight. because he doesn't want me driving in the snow.. and if the storm comes early, I AM TO CLOSE AND LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. that's what happens when you work for your best friend's brother... just slightly protective! haha.

i see a SNOW DAY happening tomorrow. which is SOOOOOO exciting. i love snow days... even though i'm not in high school. but we have to remember that snow days in northern utah are only snow MORNINGS, and school is only delayed until the plows can get out and plow the parking lots... which everything usually gets cleared up around 9:30. kinda makes me wish i lived in south carolina where if they get even ONE CENTIMETER of snow, school is canceled because its "much too dangerous for anyone to be out" haha i find that HILARIOUS!!!!

well, since this is my post before thanksgiving,

I'M READY!!!!!

for him to be here already!!!

i am becoming so impatient. it feels like i still have FOREVER until he is born, which i absolutely HATE. i'm ready to hold him; everyone is saying,"you say that now... but just wait". well all i am waiting for is him to arrive healthy and happy in my arms and give me that look of "i love you, your my mother" that i give my mom sometimes. i can't wait for that moment, i'm ready for it.

i know i ONLY have like 65 days left, but that's two whole months. luckily i will have thanksgiving, christmas, new years, AND my birthday to help speed it up. but in the mean time i have made a list of "mom-like" things that i really want to do, and hopefully that will help more than the holiday season. so, here it is.

1. make a little baby quilt. i hate sewing, but i feel like it would be a nice gift to my baby boy, especially if it ends up being his FAVORITE blanket. :)
2. make my own UDDERCOVER. haha i love the name of these; they are nice little covers for breast feeding. my aunt ashleigh has one and she LOVES it, so hopefully it will work just as great for me! (more sewing... i know.)
3. go through all my belongings and DE-JUNK and ORGANIZE. i feel like i do this ALL THE TIME, but since me and the baby will be sharing a room, i really need to just detach myself from really silly things.
4. get in the habit of reading the scriptures and praying every night. this is something i want my son to ALWAYS remember me doing. i want him to know that even though i'm not perfect, i still love the gospel of christ soooo much. i want to be that example to him.
5. go on a daily walk. i LOVED being outside as a kid so i want him to have the experience of being outside playing every day like i did.
6. MAKE my sister's christmas present this year. she is turning her living room from blues to greens so i REALLY REALLY want to make something for her. i can't give anymore detail cause i know she reads this sometimes!
7. put together the family christmas card. thank goodness for photoshop skills i acquired in college... plus many trial and errors... i'm positive i can make a great one now!

and that's about it! doesn't seem like much, but for the procrastinator i am, it is! haha.

tuesday nights... :)

tuesday nights are my favorite nights.

yupp. it's true.

this is when i get to see some of my LOVELY high school girlies. which include turndawg, alexis, hales, rochelle, and kelsey nowers.

glee night is definitely my favorite night of the week. we get to laugh and enjoy the awkward moments in the show. and of course, have interesting, intense conversations after the show is over. i love love love it!!!

so thank you GLEE for bringing us GLEEKS together. :) you're the bomb.

outfit repeater?!

not me. not ever.

my mom told me it was pointless to purchase maternity clothes when i could wear my dad's and brother's clothing whenever i wanted. i told her heck no! and she told me to be an outfit repeater then. wear an outfit quite often.... more often than you would wear your FAVORITE outfit. i don't really remember ever doing this. chances are i have... but the way my laundry basket stacks up... i probably haven't.

lucky for me, i went through this phase about a year and a half ago where i was obsessed with buying shirts that were too big for me. i just had a super relaxed attitude about life at that point in time... and now, i am so thankful i did. so that i don't have to be an outfit repeater. icky.

the other nice part about getting big right now is that all my sweater dresses that i have, are now winter sweaters for this year. yay for last years fads! :D

i feel very lucky that i am still fitting into my two favorite pairs of pre-pregnancy jeans. this makes me UBER happy. cause i HATE maternity pants. no joke. they are not comfy at all. so i leave my pants unzipped, slip on my bellyband and i'm good to go. yay for me! we'll see how long this lasts. i am at TWENTY-NINE WEEKS so i'm crossing my fingers we make it through this month. :)

baby boy.

i've been getting weekly updates on what is going on in my belly since i found out i was pregnant. i love seeing what is growing and developing. it always makes me super happy and excited. this weeks update told me that my boy was going to be getting so big that there wasn't going to be as much room for him to move around anymore. i thought "YES!!" when i read this. now it's not so much that thought at all.

he HATES not having his space as i mentioned before. so i am constantly getting elbowed or kneed or both.. who really knows? it's really cool when he is pushing so hard against an area that i can see or actually touch where he is pushing. we have a little game i like to play where i will poke in a spot for a few seconds and he will respond. i love my little guy. :)

family.

my brother turned 18 on october 28th so we had both sides over for cake and ice cream! and let me tell you, it was SOOOOOOO great to see my entire family tonight. minus the four missionaries and my grandpa. but still. seeing my familia has always been a fresh breath of air for me. i can't wait till thanksgiving when we can all be together again. :)

my family has been the best support group EVER. i am crazy thankful for every kind and reassuring word they have given me. and most of all for just being there for me.

i'm always super tired so i feel bad when my little best friend/cousin wants to play and i have to deny his request. one day i will have the energy to run around with him again... guarantee that will be when my son is old enough to play with us. at least he knows i still love him all the same!

family pictures 2010 :)

brad and diondra came up for a wedding so we decided to squeeze an hour away from their busy schedule to hurry and do some family pictures. so here is what i came up with in a hurry.

The sibs!

Brad and Diondra

lil' miss gorgeous jenn jenn

the whole fam damily!

lovely ladies :)

and the studly boys.

SNOW

i am one of those utah people that has always hated winter. until a couple years ago when i fell in love with snowboarding. i suck, but i love it. probably because its something i enjoy doing which makes the snow and the cold worth coming around once a year.

don't get me wrong... i have a love/hate relationship with the cold. snow is so crazy gorgeous to me now that i HAVE to LOVE the cold, but only when there is snow. which is why this morning when i looked out my window, a huge smile stretched across my face. :)

but, unfortunately, this year i won't be able to get up on the mountain at all. maybe next year? hopefully. :) either that or when my boy is old enough to tag along and learn for himself. either way I CAN'T WAIT!!! :D :D

friends.

there isn't anything i hate more than seeing an amazing friend go through an extremely rough time. and in most cases i don't know what to do or say except for just to be there for them, even though it doesn't feel like it's enough. i just hate how sometimes all you can do as a friend is be a shoulder to cry on. this is one of my favorite songs that a friend of mine sent me when i was going through a rough time.

.twenty-five.

so i did this a while ago and decided to do it again... well mostly change some of what i had. but yeah. :)

1. I LOOOVE dance more than anything in this world.
2. i believe you should never make a promise that you only think you can keep.
3. I love playing in the rain and jumping in the puddles it creates. :D
4. I am going to be the mother of a beautiful baby boy on jan. 21 2010
5. i love reading. but definitely don't read often enough
6. I HATE it when people get too involved with my life... people have their own lives for a reason... we don't need others.
7. I HATE it when people over obsess with what they think other people are thinking or doing.
8. i am addicted to politics and wish everyone wanted to be as involved as i do.
9. i love peanut m&ms, dr. pepper, and orange julius. but not all at the same time.
10. I invision how i want things to go... and if they don't go that way then i get really angry.. which is stupid because people don't know what i want them to say. haha.
11. I hate driving slow and want to kill people that drive in such a stupid manner.
12. i think its funny when someone slows down to see an accident and then gets in an accident themselves.
13. I love skinny jeans but hate wearing super tight pants.. haha
14. i know the only good thing barack obama has done in his presidency is getting young voters more involved in the voting process. only problem is.. he only attracts individuals who are uneducated about who is running for office.
15. I think if you enjoy doing something.. you can't possibly suck at doing it.
16. I enjoy driving to random places where no one knows where i am.
17. I love winger's sticky fingers.
18. i hate make up. it bugs my eyes. but i can't stand seeing myself without it.
19. i wish my family was overly obsessed with hawaii.
20. i hate wearing shoes.. but i have like 26 pairs?? i'm a nerd.
21. i thoroughly enjoy typing. maybe a little too much.
22. i want to become a surgical technician for my son. and that's the only reason. which i believe is the best reason in the world.
23. I am slightly hypocritical.
24. i love photography. but i don't take it seriously enough to make a living off of it.
25. i honestly have the best family and friends in the world. no doubt about it.

week 26

i have never been so hormonal in my entire life. and it is really quite irritating. but even when i realize i'm being overly hormonal, i still feel like whatever upset me... was a very normal thing to be upset about.

mood swings are sooooo awesome. i love wanting to rip someone's head off and then wanting to go do something fun with them like thirty seconds later. it's like being five again and getting in a fight with your best friend and then forgetting fifteen minutes later. LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE it!

chancey pants is a kicking fool. and he loves to kick at the worst possible times. like when i'm sitting in class trying to focus, when i'm studying, or right when i lay down to go to sleep. i wish i could say i'm absolutely annoyed by it, but i'm not. i love feeling him kick and move around. it's always the highlight of my day.

DREAMS!!!! oh my lanta. i hate dreaming because they are always so insanely bizarre.

last night i had a dream that chance just came out of my stomach in a very ghostly manner and it was the weirdest thing. he didn't want me to hold him so i was very upset that i couldn't feel him moving around inside me anymore.

a couple nights ago i had a dream that my parents grounded me to their basement. there was a big hole in the wall with a HUGE spider inside and i could hear the spider hissing and it freaked me out. so i went and got bug killer and killed him and then a troll came out of nowhere and told me to stop making such a big deal over a stupid spider... yeah. i hate dreaming. and that same night i had another dream that my room was filled with the strangest people whom i had apparently invited over for cake. and i really had to go to the bathroom but none of them would let me leave. it was AWFUL.

so to me, pregnancy is kinda hilarious... unless i'm stuck in a dream.

dance.

“What is so important is about the vulnerability that you have to allow yourself to have." - Mia Michaels

mia michaels is pretty much my dance hero. mainly because of her inspiring routines and words. the quote above is what inspired me to let go whenever i am choreographing anything... whether its a floor combination, technique combination, or a dance... if you can't allow the world to see the feeling you are trying to portray in the dance, then the dance isn't a dance. it is only a combination of movements with no meaning.

learning how to truly express emotions through movement has been life changing for me. i used to write and write poem after poem trying to explain through words how i felt in certain situations. this works great, but actually being able to visualize the feeling is so much more amazing. whether it be happiness, sorrow, heartache, pain... there is always someone in the world that can comprehend the feeling you are trying to express, and not a single word is needed.

when you can truly allow yourself to be completely vulnerable, the amount of moves you can create are endless. so why repeat the same moves over and over again, when there is a world of possibilities? - that is a question mia michaels asked a group of dancers that attended one of her workshops. lucky for me, one of my college teachers was there to hear it.

i've come a LONG way in the last year and i only hope i will be able to grow more.

i LOVE dance.

Countdown.

FIFTEEN. 15. quince.

that's the number of weeks left until my baby boy is placed in my arms.

Chance Jonathan Stebbins.

my sweet angel.

today i realized a few things.

1. i hate creating quilt patterns. so NEVER ask me to make a quilt. i am horrible at sewing, and i am anti-quilting.

2. i love it when my mom makes me no-bake cookies. she ALWAYS manages to put in the perfect extra amount of chocolate. and i LOVE the way she makes them taste.

3. i am anti-bluray. seriously... there really isn't that big of a difference unless you look close enough and enjoy seeing famous people's zits. plus, what's the point in having one only for netflix?? my parents NEVER buy dvds.. so why would they buy blurays?? silly dad. i told him several times not to get one and today he walks in with one and sets it up. all for NETFLIX which we already have through our wii. i honestly think that because he went through the entire television creation and every single upgrade made up to the latest HDTV he thinks he has to have the best.. i personally think it's silly and a waste of two-hundred dollars. but that's just my opinion.

and lastly...

4. DR. PEPPER. is my favorite drink. it's soooo crazy delicious. and i can't believe i've gone 5 months without it. today i got my fix, and i've been in heaven ever since.

anywho... a friend of mine quoted on the famous facebook:

No one can go back and start a new beginning but, today you can start a new ending!

i have pondered quite a bit on this, and decided a new ending is a new beginning. because when you close one door you always have to open another. even if the door you open has to do with the same situation, it's still a new beginning. if that makes sense to anyone besides myself, i will be amazed.

and that's all for today!

PEACE n' BLESSINGS.

...whisper, "i love you" in my ear

lately every song i hear

playing through my radio

makes me think of you,

and i can't help but smile.

maybe i'm going crazy

because we thought the feeling

had suddenly disappeared

but there's nothing i want more

than to hear you whisper,

"i love you" in my ear.

i remember why i fell in love,

and the happy times we shared.

i'm not ready for them to be gone,

i only hope you feel the same.

i wish i could hold you

and look you in the eye

tell you that i'm sorry

and i don't ever want

to hear you say goodbye.

stuck like glue

i love this song. to the max.

Sugarland - Stuck Like Glue

i love him, i love him not.

almost completely certain

i don't have a clue what i'm doing.

he loves me,

he loves me not.

that is not the game i play.

my game is simple.

i love him,

i love him not.

over and over again.

till i decide to stop.

and say hello to someone new.

and the game begins again.

petal by petal

they fall to the floor

breaking a heart or two

then running to the door

hoping i can stop them

before it's too late

but it always is,

i have already made the mistake.

i love him,

i love him not.

will my game never end?

i would like to know the answer,

so i pick a flower

and begin to play again.

i love him,

i love him,

i love him,

not a single i love him not.

.the life of ness.

SOOOOOOOOOOOO

here is an update on my awesome life.

i am now 24 weeks and 5 days pregnant. the doctor let me switch my due date from january 23 to january 21. i was soooo ecstatic about this!!

my boy has had quite the attitude the last couple of days. today whenever he has been awake, it's been non stop kicking. and yesterday i could feel him pushing his head against my sides, ALL DAY. not a fun experience. so i called up his dad and talked to him for a bit and he calmed right down. which makes me want to rethink the decision i made to not really be in a relationship with him anymore. i'm having a really hard time knowing for certain if i'm doing the right thing by slowly working my way to being just friends with my son's dad and the two of us raising him as two friends. i'm not nearly annoyed or irritated by things he does now that we aren't an actual couple. probably because i don't expect as much out of him. i don't know. it's going to be three more weeks before i have to talk to him in person, so we will see.

i cry a lot, crave chocolate and orange julius, and can't survive the day without cinnamon in the morning. as the morning sickness starts going away, the more normal my pregnancy becomes. cravings and emotions are getting worse. which i will take gladly over the constant nausea. although sometimes i freak out without having anything to really be upset about, and i'm really easily offended.

there is someone who has come back into my life from high school and i can't get over how much them being there is helping me. i love that i can talk to this person about anything. and they look at me for who i am, not as a pregnant version of vanessa that everyone else does. it's so crazy how people start looking at and treating you differently when they see you're pregnant. and not always in a bad way. it's just super nice to have someone to talk to about ANYTHING in the world without my baby being brought up unless i do so myself.

i'm getting bigger every day! sooo crazy and tough for me, but with all the emotions, cravings, and body changes, i still LOVE being pregnant and can't wait till he's actually here in my arms.

that's about it!

alarm clock.

my baby boy is already the perfect alarm clock. but in a potentially humiliating way.

this morning at 7:30 i woke up to the beautiful feeling of my child kicking. but instead of the normal "awh! good morning baby!" reaction, it was "get up and run to the john".

yes. he was kicking my bladder and i nearly wet my pants. i guess i am thankful it wasn't in the middle of the night, and he was decent enough to wait till a decent hour to complain about not having the space he was used to.

it's really amazing how unborn babies have their own little personalities that only the mother knows. for example, my son hates it when i am hot. he will be squirming like crazy and if i place a wet towel on my stomach, he instantly calms down. and he doesn't like it one bit when his space is invaded. meaning i can't sit up straight, i have to be leaning back into a chair. and when we had the 20 week ultra sound, he wouldn't stop moving the entire time and kept hiding his face.

motherhood is such a beautiful thing. i love it. :)

.one day.

one day he'll see things the way i do.

one day he will be so thankful i did everything the way i am.

one day he will understand why i get frustrated over the little things and handle the big things as patiently as i can.

one day.

so what if i get irritated when stays up late and complains about how tired he is.
so what if i get irritated when i see he spent 13 bucks at mickey d's.

so what if i understand when his car breaks down and he can't come up to see me.
so what if i understand when he can't make it to a doctor's appointment.

so what?

maybe i'm only seeing things the way i want to.
maybe i'm rejoicing that i'm not married.
maybe i'm realizing how not ready he is for all of this.
maybe i'm ready to do this alone.

maybe.

honestly, i'm not surprised he flips when i confront him about something i'm concerned about.

honestly, i don't care if he thinks i don't care. cause maybe i don't.
honestly, i'm making more sacrifices than he is.

honestly, i'm still sitting here hoping that one day he will wake up and all this will hit him in the face.

honestly.

but honestly, so what if its a maybe, maybe not, one day situation?

i'm committed to my child.

and no one can change that.

<3

nineteen and pregnant.

as of today, i am 21 weeks and 7 days pregnant. boy oh boy do i love my unborn baby boy more than anything in this world.
it's crazy to think that had i not decided to postpone the wedding, i would be marrying his father in about 3 hours. but i know i made the right decision, and i honestly have no regrets. i want to provide all i am capable of for my son and that is why the decision was made to wait. so i could go to school and get a tech degree to be able to provide for him. it's so crazy how fast you can grow up when you find out you are pregnant. i honestly believe my priorities are in the correct order for the first time in my life. 1. the gospel. 2. my son. 3. schooling. and honestly, those 3 things are all i'm worried about.
just last week i thought i missed college life. staying up late, partying, not taking care of anyone but myself. i thought that until i took a trip for the weekend to see my old roommates. but come 10:00 PM on last friday evening, all i could think about was drinking a big glass of water, doing my nightly routine, and getting the rest i need to let my body nourish my unborn son. i was shocked. because i was so devastated just the day before because all i could think about was how i wasn't going to be able to go to a party or a bonfire and see all my friends from college.
but the truth is, i don't miss it one bit. not anymore. i'm so thankful that i was determined to take that trip. because until then, i wasn't sure that i was ready. but i know i am now.
he is my pride and joy, and i'm so happy i am bringing him into this world.
it's crazy how fast life can hit you. i'm so happy i have a personality where i know to make the best of everything that happens.